Yesterday was a day I contradict myself

He asked if what’s wrong with me. I did not want to tell him. He sensed my withdrawal and aloofness. I did not want my feelings to get exposed. But I guessed it was out in the open when he sensed my attitude the moment he opened the back door.

“No text. No response to my text? No message the whole day? What’s going on?,” He inquired.

I decided that today was my laundry day so I continued to fold the whites. Pretending not to hear him, but his message was loud and clear.

Men are such whatever creature. Yesterday, he came home complaining how his chest hurts, that he couldn’t breathe, how he felt the chills all over his body. And how his eyes hurt and headaches on top of that. He demanded if I have a thermometer in the house. I have to cram to find the extra one that I rarely used since I knew that I gave ours to my sister.

I panicked. Not the way he said everything. Or the way he opened the door and bombarded me with all of those things. Because in my life, I see my husband as strong and capable and all Superman. He is like my real deal Avenger and my Jedi. And when he will tell me that something is wrong, deep inside me rattled. He is like my beacon and my wind. He makes me feel secure. Though God can do all of this in my life. I feel like when my husband is around me, his presence and his stamina, I feel so alive and invigorated. I feel like I can do anything.

And if something is wrong with him, I started to shake inside. I always have fears. Losing him is one of those. God forgive me but I acted like a needy person, which in my life, before I got married, I didn’t want to become a needy woman. Now, I’m a contradiction to myself and to the world.

Somebody slap me!

At times, I pretended to act withdrawn and aloof because I didn’t want to remind myself that I needed him, mostly of everything. I have to be reminded that I can do anything even if he isn’t around or such. I’m such a pretentious woman at times.

And today, he booked a flight to Las Vegas. Work stuff. It’s almost a year that he stopped traveling for work. Even though it blow up our budget and we have to stretch every penny, I love it when he’s around. But when he talks about travel, it gets me all weird up insides.

Ah, what a me! I know that I should put my hope in the Lord and pray. Oh well, this is what love do to you, isn’t it?

And love supposed to be being strong to one another and pretending not to hear your spouse is such a cruel thing to do.

Yeah, that’s me! I need to be real !